Regrets

As he lay on his bed thinking, his life half gone past, Brad thought of all the things he wish he’d never known. A fairly successful man of middle age, a beautiful wife and three wonderful children crying alone and lamenting the past. Although his life had turned out quite all right, he still lived with the regrets of things done in the past. Things he wished he’d never done, things he wished he’d never seen and things he couldn’t forget.

Why did life have to be so? How could things be so good on the outside yet so wrong on the inside? Why wouldn’t these memories go away? Why couldn’t the past just be the past and remain there? What seemed as normal adolescent behavior at the time had become a tormenting spirit for what it seemed for the rest of his life. If only he had done what seemed absurd at the moment and listened to the counsel of his mother. How could someone who seemed so out of touch have had such an inside knowledge of the world and it’s potential dangers? There were just too many thoughts, too many questions, too late in life. Where was God in all of this? Certainly He forgives sin, but why doesn’t He allow one to forget past mistakes?

Thoughts of what could’ve been and what should’ve been continued to visit and revisit Brad’s tormented mind. In the midst of trying to pastor a church and help others with their problems, he had yet to solve his own. After seeing so many tears of regret through the years, here he found himself, hidden away in his bedroom, curled up in a ball and crying real tears and feeling real pain. Were these the tears of Esau, who after selling his birthright to his brother for a bowl of soup cried bitter tears at the realization that he could never get back that which he had lost? Were these tears of bitterness for things lost and never to be regained or tears of regret and lament for lives ruined and left behind in his path of destruction? Knowing at any moment his wife or children could possibly enter the room, he tried to regain control and lift himself from the bed, but the memories had left him without force, so he lay there crying, waiting for something, someone to come and make it all better. Where had it all gone so wrong?

Rebellion – lies, sneaking, partying, dating etc.

Leave home – drugs, sex, abortion, drinking problem, and thoughts of suicide

Jesus, wife, children

Ministry – regrets (forgiven, but not forgotten)